this was all for me folks
my times over, but we had a blast, didnt we?
just the usual late night self pitying, yick!
turning 20 in a couple of months.. still all alone. oh, wait, not alone, just lonely. and i hate it. i want someone. and i want a hug. no, lots of hugs. then theres fridell. hes a cool guy, but such a slob! everytime he touches me it makes me sick, dont want anything more with him, its already too much. i mean, its just a walk at the base, but he puts so much more in it. and those creepy txt messages.. gaah, i dont know what to do!
know i dont look good, im not even very nice, kinda cruel to be honest. but isnt this shit "there's someone for everyone" true? its not like im just sitting around waiting for someone to come up to me. actually trying real hard, but nope, nothing. probably trying too hard. but, how long do i have to wait? most of my friends are getting married ffs!
one (only) thing is for sure, this staying sober-thing is profitable. plus i dont do things ill have to regret for the rest of my life. in my head i see his look, every single day, every single hour, i see that hate in those eyes. and all i can do is blame myself and feel the pain again. the look i got that thursday i will never, ever, forget. geez, im so incredibly stupid.
and, as always, this is all about me. me, me, me.. i truly disgust myself. thank god no ones reading this.
looove the weather
819
its been such a great week! båtåka, swimming, soccer, long walk with fridolito, volleyball, great running, talking to oskar and lots and lots of other funfun stuff! but best of all is the weather! bout 70°F every day and heaps of sun!
"i kill you..!"
early mornings suck
im tired as an old cow. dad woke me up at 6.13 today. didnt get to bed until like one yesterday, wasnt finished painting the boat until midnight.. yeye, tonight im off to the base again. so enough with all the boring work with boats, cars and lawning. plus ill hopefully get some time over to meet fridolito again. so, ive got quite high expectations about this week considering were going to get some båtåka!:D
[ein medveethslurs pangshonear]
pensioners night at home. that was the feeling i had last night. its like yelling, complaining and cuddling is all they can do. geez, it gets me (and sara) tired and not wanting anything to do with them. felt like playing bingolotto was the next step. i mean, who starts arguing about the dishes in front of their guests? it was really just embarressing and uncomfortable. mjusch, me dont like couples.
mjusch!
some people just dont know when enough is enough
what would you do?
what would you do if your parents broke up with you because you were too dumb, too fat and useless? what would you do if the people you lived with during the weeks truly hated you for being yourself? what would you do if everyone who thought they knew you in fact didnt know a bit about who you really were? what would you do if you really wanted to change but got stuck in your role? what would you do if you always fell in love with people who didnt like you? what would you do if you were spoiled and egoistic and didnt care about anyone but yourself? what would you do if you wanted to change your whole life, if you wanted to be someone else? what would you do if you didnt want another day of your life? what would you do if all you wanted was someone who believed in you?
would you try telling people? what if it didnt work? would you tell someone else? repeat the failure? making people know youre a failure? would you report people to let them know you cant take it anymore? would you cut yourself to get rid of the pain? what if no one listened, what if they all thought you did it to be seen? would you keep playin the game, keep smiling, keep laughin, keep dressin up, keep hiding, keep being someone youre not?
what would you do if you thought you were going in sane?
me miss freddie
good day
never wanted it to be this way
just want some luck for once. esp in the ♥-part.
in one way it kinda got the way i thought,
even though it was the worst-case scenario..
today this ends
what ive done
ill face myself
to cross out what ive become
erase myself
and let go of what ive done
for what ive done
i start again
and whatever pain may come
today this ends
im forgiving what ive done
empty
ever had the feeling youve given so much away a big part of you is missing?
and the story repeats itself
once a year. just enough time to heal. three days and then no more. thats it.
here, have my heart, dont want it anymore.
feeling
homesick
lonely
stupid
confused
huggy
had our weekly test today. difficult as hell. started weeping. seriously dont get how they could give me this post, it was right there in my papers - im stupid.
the chosen pessimist
between love and hate,
which path to follow?
how can i keep balance in this race?
come faith, im dying.. slowly
in many ways im the burden,
that divides us from the light,
in many ways youre the halo,
that keeps my spirit alive
now free me and watch me heal
noticed
ha!
läskig, korkad, ful och äcklig. ändå lever jag på samma jord som du. konstigt värre, men du måste nog ändå leva med det. fast, hur kul kan du ha i kristianstad?
like i said, why cant people just tell me what im doing wrong. might be able to do something about it you know..
bahbahbah, me want friends
had a lesson with fridell yesterday bout making friends. and what friends do when theyre together. and i seriously think ive got those qualities, but nope. bah!
tikkie was drunk, funfunfun and all huggy! his dad was cool, talked for hours.
elsa tried to convince me johan likes me, but im not that stupid. why on earth would he? it was the bet, im sure. and last time was because we were drunk. and thats where it ends! wont meet him anymore soo, who cares? know i do, but lets just not think bout that.
